Buddha Rhubarb’s Ongoing Confidential Report

Buddha Rhubarb’s Ongoing Confidential Report: 3 Fragments from the last few weeks.

Fragment: 1
Like a hamster on a wheel in a cage is how I sometimes feel in regards to those few precious issues of mine that seem to be the superglue on the bottom of my ballet shoes. Or something. I am lately given to think that my inability to firmly commit to anything bigger than a fairly menial job, or renting a small apartment has much more to do with my  creative procrastinations,  gender dysphoria, and lack of any real intimacy, etc… than those things themselves have any momentum/inertia. My inherent passivity and (what is called by most people who aren’t me) laziness though help keep my ambitions low.

I was saying to a friend just yesterday how when I look at some new Canadian poetry published recently in magazines or anthologies, I often find much to like, and stuff I deem better than, some not as good as my own stuff. I do have some ego about it. But I still have a hard time imagining that the editors of whatever it is I’m reading would be interested in “my stuff”. I’m not doing what the writers there are doing. Or am I ? I really have no idea. It’s easy to write this off as fear of failure, but for me it’s actually a bit more of an example of me putting distance between myself and my goals. I do this with the gender issue also, I realized yesterday while talking with this same friend, that often my “gender issue” reared/rears it’s head for me around the same time I would develop a crush on some unobtainable girl, (or boy, but more often girl, oddly enough) who I would befriend, and unburden my gender woes upon, thus insulating that crush from the world even further.

The gender issue reaches into the writing as well, often in very beneficial ways, as being two spirited opens up poetic possibilities as heartbreak is one of the driving forces of poetry as a force of nature/culture. Gender ambivalence like mine is nothing if not marginalized. Lots of room for twists on old stories. But, it also sometimes feels like I’m being gimmicky with the gender ambivalence, within my writing, and sometimes in my life.
Fragment 2
It’s too bad that one of my main super powers is being invulnerable to brainwashing, if I could just tow one party line, I’d fit in somewhere rather than sort of fit in everywhere. 

Fragment 3
Been thinking a lot in the last few days about where I really stand on the big issue: my gender dysphoria. The hardest thing for me to do really, is explain to someone who doesn’t suffer the same feelings exactly what those feelings are. Well to be blunt it’s the background buzz, the white noise of my life. The volume of this noise fluctuates quite a bit depending on many factors I imagine, and thus have a hard time making choices around it.

I do mean constant in terms of there is never a day goes by that it’s not in my thoughts at least part of the day. It’s also about 50% of my dreamscape, Depending on how busy I am with other things I’m either being productive with (Creative pursuits) or distracting myself with (Gaming, Internets, Comic books, Movies, etc) it varies how much it all bothers me… I mean sometimes it’s the only thing I think about all day, but mostly it’s another diversion in the day, something that is informing a poem, or story I’m writing perhaps, or I might indulge in a bit of home alone cross dressing, which can really take the edge off, and I recommend it as a valve if you are bent that way. Nobody is judging you when you are home alone.

And I guess like many people judgement is one of the big reasons I try to maintain the dyshoria as a sidebar, something to experiment with… It’s kind of therapy actually. Maybe I should write a self help book…”Cross Dress Your Way To Success”. But then I’d have to be successful? :p Yikes. Maybe not. I also have a pretty good sense of humour in regards to this issue. Which may or may not be apparent in these blog posts. I understand that were I to go forward as a public CD or Transperson or whatever you want to categorize it, that I would still be stuck with the body I’ve got for the most part. It’s amazing what can be changed, it really is, everyone’s seen the documentaries and the 90’s daytime talk show Tranny Surprise” episodes… sometimes you can “pass”.

I don’t know that I would, could, or even really want to, to be fair.  I’ve blathered on and on about it so much with people, and in my creative work, that I’m starting to (just now at 44) become cynical about it all. What am I getting out of it? What do I really want to do about it, if anything?

I’m really not sure (which irritates me more than anything else)

But, I feel that in my thinking on it and writing here I’ve come to feel like I need to explore these more therapeutic aspects that I mentioned above. For example when I see a Lady whose look really appeals to me, I tend to imagine myself as her walking down the street. I have a very vivid imagination as you likely know if you know me at all. I know I don’t really know what it feels like to really be a lady, but I can imagine that I am, and that most days is all that I need. A little fantasy.

That, and apparently some kind of “confession fetish” that I’ve developed on this blog, and well all the other blogs I’ve ever had actually, and friends’ ears (more in the pre-blog era though) etc. Ah well. I feel much lighter, and ready for the day now. More therapy. Thanks for being there, whoever you may be.


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